Bulletproof
by ArentYouSophiaLoren-8887
Summary: Bianca always prided herself on being strong, but this is a different kind of strength entirely. ONESHOT.


Author's Note: I had this up awhile ago, but then deleted it. After some consideration, editing, and reformatting, I decided to put it up again and see how it goes a second time around. Enjoy (?)

1.

She doesn't know it then, but it's already there on Vegas Night- a small clot of cells, moving and joining and forming very slowly what will soon be definitive limbs.

She doesn't know it then, but her insides are already shifting, adjusting their position to make room for something that is already beginning to grow in the space right under her heart.

She doesn't know it then, but her body isn't her own anymore. It's begun the process of becoming someone else's, surrendering its independence in order to allow someone else to grow and live.

She doesn't know it then, but by the time she's getting busted for her little cat spat with Alli Bhandari, there's a second heart beating under her skin, the tiny butterfly flicker of a life beyond her own.

2.

She figures it out before she even misses a period.

It's a no-brainer, really. Ever since she started getting the shots, she and Ron-Ron gave up on using condoms. Neither of them enjoyed the feeling of them much to begin with, and they both figured that the whole point of her getting the shot was to negate the use of having to wear one.

She figures that somewhere along the line, she forgot about a shot, and there you go.

Even though she pretty much has it figured out, a tiny part of her still can't believe something like this would happen to _her._

3.

She doesn't believe in abortion.

Most people wouldn't think that about her, but she doesn't believe that it's right. Not that she's overly fond of kids- she doesn't like them- but she doesn't think that justifies killing one.

Besides, this one will be different.

It's HERS.

4.

Her mother is the one that actually makes her take the test.

Even though Bianca doesn't say a word to her, she still manages to figure it out. Bianca usually gets her period on a set date, and when that day comes and goes, her mother badgers her into taking a pregnancy test.

So she takes the test; pees on the stick, waits the allotted time, and then reads off the results that she's already known.

"I already knew what it would say," she tells her mother.

For the briefest moment, her eyes shine, hopeful and free. "So you're not pregnant?"

Bianca rolls her eyes. "No, Mom, it says I'm pregnant."

5.

She tells Ron-Ron over text message- not the best way to tell someone, she knows, but she can't get him on the phone and he hasn't been by in a few weeks, and she figures she better tell him sooner or later before he hears it from someone else.

She doesn't hear from him for a few days after that, and she can't tell if he's ignoring her or if he just doesn't have his phone on him wherever he is.

When she does eventually hear from him, he tells her that she needs to get an abortion.

After that, she quits texting him and refuses to answer any of his calls.

She doesn't need him.

6.

She doesn't exactly have friends, and she's never really wanted any.

She doesn't have much time for other girls. They're too bitchy and whiney, always complaining about themselves and fishing for compliments to help ease their own stupid insecurities, and always asking her for her opinion even though they really want her to just tell them what they want to hear.

No thanks. Not her style.

Guys, they're much easier. There's no drama, no double ententes, no gossip. No bitching, whining, PMS. No bullshit. What you see is what you get.

She liked Owen because as much as he knew that he always sized up her body, he never made any move on her, and he seemed to sense that she was too strong for that. She liked the control she had over him because he only went after the weaker girls.

Fitz, though, she has to admit that there's something there. Not love, but something.

They get each other. They both have annoying little sisters. They both have no both have mothers with alcohol problems.

He knows the marks where her mother has left her blaming, jealous silence on her daughter for the irreversible crime of growing up and being young and pretty.

And Bianca knows the marks that Fitz's stepfather has left on him, the ones that she can see on his skin and the ones that he doesn't talk about but she knows are still there.

While she enjoys hanging around them, she wouldn't exactly call them friends.

She's never needed them, anyway.

7.

She's never needed anyone.

Her dad split when she was a kid and her mother was always a bitch, getting into her life and bossing her around and telling her shit like it actually meant something to her. Her older sister, Felicia, was out of the house and raising a baby of her own, and she and her mom never got along to begin with, and her little sister Ciara was small and annoying.

She remembers when she was a little girl and read those stupid stories about princesses. She thinks about how much they lie to girls, telling them that all they need is a prince to make their lives complete. That everyone out there, no matter how poor, will eventually have their happy ending: their prince, their carriage, their white horse, their ball gown and their pears.

But guys, they're not princes. They're animals, and they treat her like an animal. They pet her hair and whistle to get her attention, they coo and reach and stroke when she's near them. They look at her like she's not real.

It's something she's just come to accept as part of her life.

It's empowering, in a way. She likes the control she has over these men. They may see her as nothing more than an object of lust and desire, but she likes the control she can exert over them with just a swing of her hips or a sashay of her body, her curves rippling like waves on the ocean right before a storm touches down- enticing, taunting them to come closer, but once they've got you, they'll suck you under with the dangerous rip currents and unforgiving tides lurking under the surface, drowning you with their unexpected power.

She used to read princess books as a little girl, but now she doesn't need a prince.

8.

Sometimes, though, there are times when she wishes it were different.

She wishes that someone would look at her and really SEE her- not just at her, but THROUGH her.

_(She almost had it, with Adam Torres, but…she can't even think about that, without being so filled with fury and anger and- wishful thinking?- NONONONONO!- that she can't even…)_

Of course, that's only when she's particularly down and tired, and once it dies down, she pretends like it never existed in the first place.

She's just trying to convince herself that she doesn't need any of it.

9.

A few days after he tells her to get an abortion, he shows up at her house, telling her that he loves her and they should raise it together.

Ron-Ron isn't exactly a prince, but she has to admit that he's the first guy that she's ever felt anything for.

He was the one who gave her her tattoo. He was the first person she ever slept with. She lost it to him, and now she's having his baby.

She'll never admit how strong her feelings for him are, but she knows they're there.

10.

She wants him to move in with her until the baby comes, but her mom can't stand Ron, so he has to still stay at his parents' house nearly four hours away, and can only visit on some weekends when he gets off of work.

But with the baby, they need all the money they can get, so even then is pretty slim.

He doesn't call much, but then again, she's never been the type to cling to her phone and wait for a boy to call, so she tries to put it out of her mind.

She spends a lot of time at the Ravine instead, but even THAT gets weird as her baby bump starts showing. She's heard a lot of gossip and just lets people say whatever shit they want- it's never bothered her before- but before, she used to inspire enough fear for them to at least TRY and keep it quiet.

Plus, the baby bump she sports more and more as time goes on makes her unequal and different in the one group where she has always blended in seamlessly- one of the guys.

11.

Although Ron-Ron isn't exactly supportive of all the time she spends with the guys.

Two weeks before she has the baby, she goes to a downtown block party with Fitz and Owen, and Ron calls her. He was supposed to take the weekend off to come spend time with her- their last weekend to themselves before the baby comes- but instead he's going out of town with his friends, and he's calling to tell her the change of plans.

When he hears that she's out with them, he gets angry, like he usually does. She rolls her eyes and calls him a little bitch, and he fires back that she's a cunt and a skank.

"You're a stupid bitch, you know that? You know how stupid you look right now?" he yells. "You don't care about that baby at all. You're a terrible mom."

He follows up that comment by saying that he wants a DNA test to prove the baby is his, because he doesn't think it is - she probably spread her legs for every single guy at the ravine, so it's in all likelihood not his baby.

He finishes by telling her that she's a dumb cunt and he doesn't need her at all.

Owen tells her that's fucked up, and offers her a joint to take her mind off of things. She glares at him in total disgust, so instead she and Fitz take off while Owen ditches them for his football friends. He buys her a shake and a chili cheese dog, and together they sit on the hood of Owen's car, her sipping a vanilla milkshake and Fitz nibbling on a corn dog while they watch the fireworks explode over the Toronto skyline.

12.

Her due date- only a week before the first day of her senior year- comes and goes, so her doctor calls her into the hospital to be induced.

Her mother has to work the night shift the night that Bianca is scheduled to come in, and as usual, she can't find Ron. But Fitz borrows his mom's car and takes her to the ER, even though he doesn't have a license.

Ron eventually shows up, and her mom shows up as soon as she gets off work.

It's pretty tense in the delivery room- instead of the usual fireworks between her mom and Ron, they just totally ignore each other. It's annoying as hell, but as frustrated as she is with both of them, she has to admit, she's glad that they're both there.

13.

It's a tough labor.

She always prided herself on being tough, but God, this pain is almost unbearable. Before she's dilated enough to get an epidural, she can't help crying, even though she hates herself for doing it. But the pain is so intense it makes her barf- several times, almost twice an hour for nearly six hours straight. It takes her breath away and leaves her groaning and cursing- both in English and Spanish- in agony.

She hates this weakness. She hates feeling this scared, and being this pathetic. But this is too intense for words. Once the epidural takes away the worst of the pain, she pushes in total silence, determined not to make a single sound. All she hears is the pounding of her own heart in her ears, the whoosh of its beating as it flutters in her throat.

She won't give in to the pain. She's not going to fucking give it the satisfaction. She just grits her teeth and bears down with everything she's got.

14.

At this point, Bianca isn't even sure she is feeling anything anymore. The cobra-pain of the contractions had ceased to hurt, and now all she can think of is to push. Somewhere deep inside tells her to make this one count, because this was the one that would end all this. She feels as if she's watching the scene from above, a bystander watching this happen to some other person and not herself. She's lost herself entirely in the effort to create something else.

With a roar or purpose and a final cosmic, pressured push, a sluice of blood, liquid, and a slick, purpled body slides out.

He comes out of her, and she's still connected to him- she can see the cord on his belly, their link to one another, and she can't help it, she resents it a little bit when Ron-Ron cuts it and he's completely free of her, separated from her for the first time in his entire life.

But then he is placed on her stomach, and suddenly, she's felt so much stronger than she's ever felt before.

Her exhausting sixteen hour labor threatened to break down everything she worked so hard to build up around herself. It twisted and pushed and yanked her in every direction, threatening to topple her fierce, bulletproof attitude.

But now it's all a thing of the past, because this feeling she gets with him- not unlike pride- makes her feel strong.

She's always prided herself on being tough, but this is different. This gives strength a whole new meaning.

This thing came out of her. She can't believe it. She did that. She made THAT.

Ron seems to be feeling the same way, because he is kissing her forehead, saying, "I made that. We made that. We did it. It's ours."

15.

It's so strange, how something so small is enough to make her feel so completely helpless and weak.

Because those are two things that Bianca DeSousa has NEVER been.

_(Or at least, two things she would never admit to being)_

But here she is, holding her newborn son as he nurses from her, and she feels as if he is so much stronger and more capable of anything than she will ever be.

He's so pure. She can't believe anything could ever be so pure. She previously thought that all babies were the same- smelly and screaming and gross- but the way that this baby looks at her, she can't even describe it.

His head is covered in dark brown curls, just like her own. His skin is so perfect, so soft and free of any kind of mark, and he stares at her with such an intense, focused expression.

God, his eyes. They are so clear and blue, and so focused. She's only seen eyes like that once- only seen one other person who had eyes so big and wide and…_genuine. _Only one other person who has ever looked at her so studiously, like he's seeing right through all of her facades and walls right through her soul.

Only one other person had ever done that before, and just like Adam's eyes had enticed her all those months ago, her son's penetrating gaze both intrigues her with its openness and terrifies her with its truthfulness.

She just can't believe that he came out of her. She made THAT. Him.

Her son.

Ryan Jace DeSousa.

16.

Ron didn't come back to the hospital after he left her there with Ryan, and he went straight into work that morning. So he leaves her in the hospital for a crash course in Mommyhood.

Later that day, Fitz texts her to ask how it went. She says that she can't even sit down right, and that she's changed four diapers already.

He texts her back with a "hahaha" and tells her that she's in this shit for good, now.

She smiles, but not like something's funny.

Her mom comes to pick her up from the hospital because, as she puts it, Grandma can help take care of the baby. For once, she has no argument for her mother. Exhausted and overwhelmed, she only looks down at Ryan in her arms, and can barely bring herself to nod tiredly.

Ron-Ron's not there when they're discharged.

They just brought him home, and Ron's already leaving.

She knows that he has to work to support the baby, but she could really use some help right now.

17.

"I can't believe this came out of your vagina."

Fitz nearly chokes on the soda he's drinking, shooting some of it out of his nose, which makes Owen laugh harder, nearly falling off of her couch.

Bianca pats Ryan's back. She needs to get him to burp.

She glares at Owen.

"Fuck you," she says evenly.

Owen smirks. "Hey, hey. Such language in front of the baby."

She rolls her eyes, but before she can come up with a snappy retort, Ryan lets out a sharp wail.

Owen looks, for the first time she can remember, uneasy.

"Uhhhh," he says, "sounds like we better go."

He gestures to Fitz, his eyes quirking over Ryan, now whimpering as Bianca tries to shush him, and rolls his eyes.

"Later, Bee."

Fitz nods to her, giving her an almost pitying expression before following Owen out the door.

As soon as the door swings shut behind them, Ryan lets out an ear-splitting shriek, cranking up the volume and shrieking sirens into her ears.

"Shit," she mutters, pulling him away from her body. "What is it? What do you need?"

Her son looks directly at her and cranks up the volume, his skin mottling purple with the effort.

Feeling helpless and stupid and unbelievably frustrated, she puts him down on the couch and gets up, pacing around the living room as she tries to block out the sound of his crying.

"Shit."

18.

Things between her and her mother have always been tense, but lately, they've really been reaching a breaking point.

Ron hasn't been by to see Ryan since the hospital, and now, nearly two weeks later, Bianca is still jobless, without a way to pay for the things that Ryan needs, and is now nearly entirely dependent on her mother to raise both her _and_ her son.

She's always prided herself on never needing anyone.

She despises being so needy.

And it's really starting to piss her off.

19.

"Why are you screaming?"

Once again, Ryan doesn't do anything but scream louder, as if he has an internal barometer that measures exactly what he needs to do to piss her off even more.

Bianca grits her teeth and folds her hands into fists. She itches to punch a wall- to keep herself from doing much worse- but all she can do is bang them against the dresser in frustration, knocking over the bedside lamp.

"Shit!" she shouts, which of course makes Ryan crank up the volume. She covers her ears with her hands, wishing she could…

_(smack him across his bawling face)_

figure out what the hell is wrong with this kid.

For the billionth time tonight, she pulls out her phone, though she has no idea why she's doing it- she already knows what it's going to say.

_No New Messages._

Growling in disgust, she tosses her phone on the ground, where it slides under Ryan's crib. Her son's screams still reverberating in her ears, she hangs her head over the bars of the crib and watches her son rage and fight sleep like a warrior.

"Yeah, scream at him, okay?" she mutters. "Scream at your daddy when he gets home."

_If he ever gets home._

20.

_How is it possible to go this long without sleep?_ She wonders, as she sits in the darkness of her bedroom, feeding Ryan his bottle and blinking back exhaustion.

Why the hell is she the only one that ever gets up when the baby cries?

Where the hell is Ron?

21.

She finally figures out where Ron has been all this time.

One day after school, her mother informs her that she got a call from jail.

Apparently, Ron was busted for driving drunk- in a stolen car, nonetheless.

No word on when he's getting out, if he's planning on paying child support, and not a single word about Ryan.

22.

Looks like she's really in this on her own.

Fine.

Like she always tells herself- she doesn't need anybody.

23.

To blow off some steam over Ron-Ron's recent arrest and her unexpected jolt into single parenthood, Bianca takes her anger out on the dance floor.

Back to skin-tight jeans, hoop earrings, and heals that strike the floor like bullets ricocheting off of metal.

Her baby weight all but gone, it's a thrill to slip back into her old clothes, her old habits, her old self.

When she gets back to dancing, she's not somebody's mother anymore. She doesn't have to worry about diapers and bottles and money. The only loud noise that thuds in her ears is the thump of the base instead of the cries of her son that, despite him having been out of her for nearly two months, still seem to come from somewhere within her, that make her want to claw her ears off. When she moves, it's reckless, feral beauty, like the strike of a lightning bolt hitting the earth or a twister just touching down.

When she hits that dance floor, she's bulletproof, once again.

24.

Which brings out a whole new chain of arguments with her mother, of course.

Her mother tells her that she needs to stay home more with the baby; she's always going out partying, and not staying home with Ryan.

Bianca's answer is always the same:

"if you bitch at me anymore, Mom, I'm just gonna get more pissed off, and eventually I'll just take him and be gone, and you won't see him unless I say you can see him."

25.

"This is my grandson, before I let you take him and not let anybody take care of him. You're a little bitch and you're going to leave him, and all I have this little baby boy and all you do is be a whore."

That does it, and after that comment about Bianca being a whore, she hauls off and punches her mother in the face.

The police are called by the neighbors, who can hear the scuffle through the paper-thin walls of the apartment complex, and they take Bianca away in front of her son, handcuffing her while they call for Child Protection Services to come and take the minor child to temporary placement.

It's not the first time Bianca has been arrested, and not even the first time for an assault charge against her mother. But this is the first time she's ever had something at stake.

Bianca goes to jail for a few days, is forced by a court to go to anger management, and is forbidden from having contact with her son for the duration of her time in lock-up.

26.

When she gets out of jail, she's shocked to find that her mother is suing her for custody of Ryan.

Her mother is taking her to court over guardianship rights, and if she wins, Bianca will sign over her parental rights to her mother.

That _bitch._

"He is my child, not yours; get the fuck out of our lives!"

27.

She knows that people think all she is is a party girl, but before Ryan, nobody would dare cross her or say such a thing to her face.

Now, it seems like anybody can just come up to her and say shit. And she HATES that.

She misses the power of being the old her, and the hold she had over other people because of it.

Fitz points out to her that if she wants people to shut up, than she should act the opposite of what the talk is all about.

28.

No matter what her life is like now, raising Ryan alone isn't something she can do.

She doesn't need Ron-Ron. She doesn't even care about him anymore, honestly. She could care less if she ever sees him again.

But this is his son, and he needs her.

She may not think she needs anybody, but there is someone that definitely needs her for _everything_- and that's something she just can't handle on her own.

It's a tough pill to swallow, but then again, Bianca has never been one to live in denial.

29.

"I'm gonna take care of him no matter what. His life isn't his fault. I'll love him no matter what. But…I don't want the drama, okay?"

"I know that I can't do this without you, so…"

She can't quite bring herself to finish that statement; it was hard enough admitting it in the first place.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that, but you gotta come to a point with me for this baby. You gotta spend more time being a Mom and being more responsible."

Her mother picks up her son out of the baby seat and bounces him against her, her eyes on Bianca,

"You know," she tells her daughter," when push comes to shove, it's all about family. And he and I, we're your family, and we love you no matter what."

30.

The day that Ron-Ron gets out of jail, he calls her- drunk, of course.

By now, she hasn't seen him in months, and even before he was jailed, she never got a single penny from him for Ryan.

Her mother presses her to take him to court. She is entitled to child support, and refusal to pay it could land Ron-Ron back in jail- where her mother is convinced he belongs. But court means lawyers, and a lot of time, and money that they just don't have.

Besides, she just doesn't think it's worth it.

She's gotten along this long without him, and she certainly doesn't need him now.

31.

Unfortunately, in the end, it's not her decision to make.

Because even though she may be Ryan's mother, she isn't his guardian- her mother is.

Making good on her threat to sue her for custody of Ryan, her mother decides to takes her to court.

Bianca wants nothing more than to take him and run far away from her, never letting her mom see either of them ever again, but reality is a lot more bleak. She can't afford to take her mother to court, so in the end, the only choice she has is to sign the papers:

"The plaintiff, Janet Rico, is the maternal grandparent of the minor child, Ryan Jace DeSousa. She is currently exercising physical control of said minor child by consent of the defendant, Bianca Maria DeSousa."

32.

That night, she ends up on Fitz's doorstep.

He doesn't say anything, just opens the door and lets her inside. They sit down on the couch together, the TV ringing words neither of them register, and his little sister Megan is sitting in her playpen in the middle of the dingy room, chewing on a rattle and wearing only a diaper.

The sight of little Megan makes her suddenly filled with rage.

How dare her mother do this. How DARE she. Ryan is HER son. She has no right to do it. She has NO RIGHT to take her son away…

Storming out of the TV room, she flings open the door to Fitz's bedroom and slams it shut behind her so violently that the poster on the wall- one of an airbrushed supermodel kneeling in the sand backlit by the ocean- seems to actually move, as if the sea waves in the picture are crashing onto the shore. Bianca glares at the poster, then without pausing to think why she's doing it, she rips it off the wall and tears it into pieces.

"What the hell, Bee?" Fitz cries. He tries to yank the torn papers out of her hand, attempting to grab her wrists, but she jerks her knee up, nailing him between the legs. He gasps and swears at the top of his voice, dropping to his knees.

From the next room, the baby starts crying, startled by the sudden din.

The crying pierces through her; a knife, cutting her heart out piece by piece.

Still on the ground, wincing and clutching his privates, he hisses through his teeth and glares up at her.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he shouts.

Bianca turns away from him, not wanting to meet his eyes. Her face is burning under her hands, and she can feel bile rising in her throat. Tears burn the backs of her eyes, blurring her vision, and before she can stop it, she lets out a strangled cry. She immediately claps her hands over her mouth, but the traitorous sound has already been heard.

Bianca sits down on the bed, burying her face in her hands, hiding her shame with her curls.

"I'm tired of being such a shitty mom," she cries.

Fitz doesn't say anything, just gets up and sits beside her, awkwardly shuffling, refusing to look at her or touch her.

It's not the most comforting thing in the world, but it's enough for her, and he lets her stay the night, sleeping in his room while he crashes on the couch.

33.

"Ryan, what are you DOING?"

Bianca and Fitz are watching TV, listening to Ryan in the next room. He's sitting on the kitchen floor, banging a can of pees on the tile. He propels himself on his behind, tugging himself across the floor on his feet. Gripping the edges of his high chair, he hauls himself to his feet.

Fitz laughs. "What is he doing?"

"I dunno." Her son turns to look at her, and she pretends that he wants to hear the sound of her voice. "What are you doing, Crazy Boy?"

He just stares at her for a moment, then begins pushing his high chair into the kitchen wall.

Fitz grabs his phone out of his pocket and starts to film the whole thing. "Where do you think you're going with that, Ryan?"

Again, Ryan turns to them, but this time, he actually tries to take a step towards them. He manages two full steps before he falls on his behind, but they're steps, and they're on his own.

She squeals.

Fitz laughs, and she smacks him on the arm with a scowl.

"Your mom is gonna freak when she sees him do that," Fitz tells her, rubbing his arm.

Bianca nods, but all she can really think of is how proud she is that SHE was the one who got to see his first steps.

He's never walked for her mom, but he walked for HER.

34.

She's given a court order to attend a young mother's support group, and even though the thought makes her roll her eyes in disgust, she knows that if she's ever going to get a chance at getting Ryan back, she needs to just suck it up and go.

When she shows up, she's surprised to see Jenna Middleton there. She knew her from when she was at Degrassi- and also knew that she had her own baby about five months before Ryan was born- but she never thought that they would both end up here, at the same time.

She can tell the Barbie recognizes her, too, but she doesn't make any other motion to acknowledge Bianca, except for a surprised eyebrow-raise. Bianca just gives her a hard look, and Blondie doesn't give her another look- just shakes her head like she's amused by something.

The whole time that Bianca is forced to attend the meetings, she and Jenna never make any more contact past that first day. But despite their lack of camaraderie, both of them have to acknowledge their odd link.

As different as they are, they're really the only people who understand.

35.

Fitz grabs the little boy and swings him up in the air, dangling him upside down by the armpits. He squeals and giggles, and Fitz blows raspberries on his wide belly, burying his face in the little boy's neck.

Bianca laughs.

"Don't hang him upside down anymore," she says. "It'll give him a headache."

"What are you doing, silly boy?' she laughs. "Come here, Ryan. Come to Mama."

Ryan glances at her, but instead of crawling to her, he climbs into Fitz's lap.

Fit rests against her headboard as Ryan crawls on top of him. He's humming to a song playing on her iTunes, some song they used to play at the club all the time, and Ryan suddenly strikes Fitz in the mouth.

"Ow," he says, inching away from Ryan's tiny fists. "Bee, your son is abusing me."

She smirks. "That's what he thinks about white boys rapping."

36.

Things between her and her mother are still tense as hell.

She and her mother haven't had a major blow-out in awhile, but they are very snarky and tense with each other, until finally, things just explode.

They're going all-out in the middle of the street, screaming at one another across the lawn, and it's not long things turn physical and the cops are called.

The while neighborhood is watching their little domestic dispute like it's an episode of the Maury show.

Except this isn't a TV show. This is her life.

This is her _son._

37.

The second time she is hauled away in handcuffs in front of her son, her parental rights are officially terminated. Her juvie record is already bloated with charges mostly related to drugs and alcohol, and with three assault charges (one from the Bhandaris and two from her mother) tacked onto her record, the judge has enough to declare her an unfit mother and strip her of any right she has to be a parent to Ryan.

While she finds herself in front of a judge once more, he's put in state care.

38.

She meets her son's foster parents, and is surprised by their warmth towards her.

They tell her that they feel wrong, taking a son from his mother without knowing who she is, or she who they are.

What they should be saying is: they feel wrong taking a son from his mother, period.

But they're nice, and they're willing to grant her plenty of visitation hours, so she is careful not to bite the hand that feeds her.

God, who has she become?

The old Bianca would never stand to be pushed around.

But then again, the old Bianca was not a mother.

It's not about her wounded pride right now. It's about Ryan, and if she ever wants a chance to see him again, she'd better hold her tongue.

So she smiles and shakes Kaitlyn's hand, and tries to answer when Jonathan attempts to carry on polite conversation with her, when all she really wants to do is pick her son up and take him far away from these people, these strangers who are now legally responsible for raising her son.

39.

One day she lashes out at Owen. They're chilling at the Ravine, not doing anything, really, and he makes some type of comment that makes her flip the fuck out. She doesn't know why. But for whatever reason, she's pounding on him like there's no tomorrow, whaling away at him with all the feist and power she can summon. She has no idea where all this raw adrenaline came from, but she just snapped and now it's all tumbling down.

Bruce picks her off of Owen, laughing at her miniature frame striking his with ferocious futility. She wants to strangle him, but she can't move in his arm lock.

Fitz is sitting on a nearby log, smirking at her. "Girls Gone Wild," he jokes.

She walks up to him and smacks him across the face, causing his head to whip backwards.

"Bee!" he shouts, rubbing his red cheek with his hand. "What the fuck? It was just a JOKE, chill the fuck out, please."

She reaches her hand up to smack him again, but instead just stomps away, leaving a trail of nervous disbelief in her way.

40.

She takes her SATs and her mind is totally elsewhere. Not that it was much on school to begin with, but now she can't even bring herself to concentrate on the most easy and stupid of questions. What the hell does she ever need this crap for, anyway? School is such a waste of time. She bubbles in C, G, or A for nearly every answer, not even bothering to read the questions, Christmas-treeing nearly the entire test

She remembers last year, being pregnant with Ryan and taking her ACTs. She was so pregnant she couldn't even fit into the desk, so Ms. Oh offered her one of the bouncy balls that she kept in the M.I. lab. When the rest of the class snickered at her, she glared at all of them and turned down the offer,. Eventually, Mr. Simpson gave her his office chair so she could take the test.

Now, as she sits in her desk nearly 45 pounds lighter than she was last time she was in this situation, sitting in the regular seat, she would sit on a bouncy ball in front of the entire school if it meant that she could be closer to Ryan.

As she sits there Christmas-treeing what little future she might have away, all she can think of is that she would go through the whole pregnancy again if it meant that she could have Ryan with her.

41.

She doesn't think she can be without him.

Has it really been two weeks since she lost custody?

She needs him here with her.

42.

She'll give everything up. She doesn't care.

She just wants him here with her.

She's so messed up for doing all of this.

She just wants Ryan back.

43.

She feels like she's going completely psycho.

She doesn't know what else to do. Every time she hears a baby cry, her ears immediately start to ache, and she really feels like she's going to lose it. She feels like no matter what she does, she hears him everywhere, and it's driving her psychotic.

Nothing she can do will fill that missing baby.

She doesn't care if she can see him every month. She can't see him whenever she wants.

She's not Mommy anymore.

Her son doesn't even know who she is. No matter what she does, he never will know her anymore as Mommy. Ryan will look to his new parents for everything, and she'll just be that awkward relative at holidays that nobody ever wants anything to do with.

Even visiting Ryan doesn't make her happy anymore. She feels like she's being destroyed little by little- actually, a lot by a lot. It's just like waves on a shore, constantly crashing, never stopping. It's getting to the point where she doesn't even want to see him anymore, because it tears her up inside every time she does see him.

He doesn't call her mama anymore.

When he reaches, he reaches for _her,_ Kaitlin.

He doesn't want her.

He doesn't know her.

44.

Losing her son motivates her to get her shit together.

She starts taking courses at a local community college. She doesn't know what she wants to study, but starts taking some night school in graphic design. She doesn't really enjoy college- she could definitely do without all that ra-ra bullshit, and "getting involved" in campus activities isn't really her thing- but she enjoys the independence it gives her. She shows up to class, does the work, and leaves. No hassle, nobody getting up in her business, no drama.

She may not be into the whole college thing, but she likes the sense of purpose it gives her.

Juggling a full-time course load, working a part-time job, and showing up for the court-appointed parenting and anger management classes means that she barely has time for anything anymore. But as time goes on, she can't seem to make anything else matter anymore.

Complete her courses, get her AA, get a full-time job, get an apartment, get it approved by a case worker.

That much closer to getting her son back.

She can do it.

She has to.

45.

She always had a dream to design jewelry, but after she gets her first tattoo, she's surprised at how much she likes it. There's something about the artistry that fascinates her. It's a way of expression, telling your story with your body, and the memories bled into the ink fascinate her.

Once she completes her AA, she does an apprenticeship at a tattoo parlor, and decides that she wants to become one full-time.

In addition to the roses on her backside, she gets her son's name tattoed on her waist. Previously, it was Ron's, but now that he's gone from her life, the tattoo artist works his magic and manages to re-work the design to spell out Ryan's name where his father's once was. Now, when she looks at it in the mirror, she wouldn't be able to tell the original tattoo was there if she didn't already know.

She also gets another- BULLETPROOF- across her shoulders.

She has always been a strong person, but everything she's been through only strengthens her resolve to never let anything- or anyone- keep her down.

46.

Before Ryan, she didn't really have goals, or ambitions. She never saw much of a future for herself, and never believed she really would make anything of her life.

But now, everything she does is for someone else, which would never have happened before she had Ryan.

For the first time in her life, her own life is entirely about someone else. Everything she does is for Ryan.

She wants him to be proud of her, someday.


End file.
